Breathe
by Darkness's Angel
Summary: Remus takes a trip through his past memories. RLJ, implied HHr


**Breathe**

**Summary:** Remus takes a trip through his past memories.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own anything Harry Potter related, that belongs to the very talented J.K. Rowling.

xxx

I was never very good at things like these. Those type of things that you couldn't find the answers to inside books. Then again, I think we all are scared to take that final leap and let go, only to fall just like everyone else before us did.

Fall in love that is.

I would like to say that there was this huge moment of revelation, this special point in which I had crossed, a second of wonderment to realize I was indeed in love.

Sadly, there was not.

We had been sitting in the Great Hall, halfway through breakfast. You were lecturing James about something he had done that had irritated you, but then again, everything he did annoyed you back then. He was smiling at you, obviously amused, and your emerald green, almond-shaped eyes narrowed in fury.

I felt something stir within me, almost as if some sort of bubble had popped, and let out this feeling of ecstatic euphoria.

I wish I could honestly say you looked at me, and felt that same feeling, but we all know that didn't happen. In some ways I don't think you ever could.

And besides, James loved you too, there wasn't a thing I could do.

He was my friend, a brother almost, and betraying that bond, I knew would have dire consequences. Then there of course was you. If I had any hint that you felt the same towards me, I almost would have given it all up, hell, there was more than a chance of _almost_.

I think things worked out better the way they did, looking back. James deflated his ego a bit, and you finally came around. The day he asked you out, I died just a little bit, but I knew I couldn't stop it, even if I had wanted to.

I smiled that day, though it didn't quite reach my eyes.

You became almost like the unoffical fifth member of the Marauders after that. Everywhere we went, you were there too. You even knew about my _malady_, and yet did not shun me the way I had anticipated, instead it only raised your opinion of me.

The day the two of you got married, I saw James's eyes light up when you walked down the aisle. You were just as happy as he was. I remember Sirius's toast at the reception, and the music that played.

As much as I was genuinely glad for you and him, a part of my was shattered. I think that part of me knew that any type of chance I had was gone, but then again, I don't think I had any such chance in the first place.

Sitting here now, looking through all these pictures, I feel alone, for I am the only one left. It's hard to realize that the golden part of your life, the phase where nothing seems to go wrong is gone, and will never return again. It's hard to let go of the past, and move on to your future.

It's been more than twenty years, and I still haven't been able to yet.

To be honest, there was a time when I didn't think I ever would be able to.

I trace your grinning face. It's a family photo, one of the only ones left. Taking it out, I gaze at it more closely, burning the image in my mind, though I know there's no need for that.

I've decided to give it to Harry for his twenty-first birthday. You and James would have been so proud of him. He is everything you wanted him to be and so much more.

Sighing, I finish wrapping up the frame, and put it aside for the party tomorrow. Mrs. Weasley is throwing him a surprise party, though I have a feeling he already knows about it, or at least that's what Hermione implied yesterday at lunch.

You would like her as well, Lily, Ron too. They have helped shape Harry into the man he is today, aided him to grow, teaching him what it means to have friends, and not be so alone, and in Hermione's case, how to love.

Turning back to the album, a certain picture catches my eye. It's of the four of us, you, James, Sirius and I at our very last ball at Hogwarts.

We all look so young. The horrors of Voldemort had not hit us yet. Your parents were still alive, as was James's mum. The fourth of our graduating class that had become Death Eaters hadn't started attacking the muggles yet.

It's been so long, so very long.

A weary smile appears on my face as I have one of those defining moments in life. I've loved you for so long, but now I think it's time to do something that I should have done a long time ago.

It's time for me to let go of the past, including you.

Closing my eyes, I can almost hear the distant sounds of you arguing with James, Sirius's annoying little comments that we always wanted to smack him for, Severus's cutting remarks, even Professor McGonagall's scolding.

But those are mere memories now, and for the first time I acknowledge **that**. That being the fact that they are only memories.

And for the first time, in a long time, I can breathe again. Not one of those shaky breaths, or tired ones, not even the type you take when you have something on your mind, just a single, insignificant breath.

**xxx**

**Author's Note:** As I started writing this, I originally was going to have it come from Hermione's point of view, then suddenly my direction changed, and out came this. Hope you all enjoyed it, this being my first Remus/Lily type fic, even though they don't technically ever get together. Please review.


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